Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
My life is pants optional.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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