woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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