Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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