I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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