Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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