I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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