We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
If I die, sorry about rent.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize