Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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