I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
We named our party play list daddy issues
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
