the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
