I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
