By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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