I don't usually arrange sex via text message
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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