Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
