I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
