Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
