Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
