I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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