Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
