I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
