Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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