I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
