just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Oh god it's open bar.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
