Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
