Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
