i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
