he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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