Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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