I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize