I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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