watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
