I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
