A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
