Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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