Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
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