hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I have fence marks all over my body
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
