Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Randomize
