My room smells like vodka and shame
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
My ass is underappreciated
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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