There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
