Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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