After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
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