Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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