remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
