I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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