JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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