RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
tonight lets celebrate not being married
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
