i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
