If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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