I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
