i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
