You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
