Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
