I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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