I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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