i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
