FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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