Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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