I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize