I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
